Nursing Your Kids

With four weeks until due date I am sick of being, and especially looking, pregnant. Seriously. Stick a fork in me. I’m done. I think my weight gain has stalled somewhere around the 30 lb mark, a huge improvement from the (more than?) fifty I’d gained at this point with Sam, but the swelling has begun in earnest which is seriously interfering with my quality of life.

Aside from the self-esteem hurting fact that I can no longer find my ankles in the swollen section where my legs end and my feet begin, all of my shoes are painful to wear. Hell, even my ankle socks that used to fall off in bed during the night leave elastic marks across the tops of my feet. It’s finally spring and warm enough to fit into the maternity skirts and cropped linen pants that still fit over my ginormous ass, but I’m embarrassed to wear them because of the hideousness of my lower legs.

My hands are puffy and sore and my eyes are disappearing into my fat, fat face giving me a more porcine appearance than usual. It’s subtle to the people who see me regularly, but I feel like a whale.

And can we talk about my mother for minute? I generally try to reserve all complaints about her for my personal, semi-anonymous blog, but the other night she stepped over the line. She asked, “What do you think you’re having?” and I responded (as I always do) that I have no idea and no maternal instinct. She told me that I’m carrying differently. (Which I’m not, and I have pictures to prove it. I just look smaller because I haven’t gained an additional 20 lbs.) She then told me to turn around. I thought it was so she could look at me from the back since throughout both of my pregnancies I’ve heard that people can’t tell I’m pregnant when they see me directly from behind. My belly is mostly all out front. She then grabbed my sides and pretty much manhandled my love handles and quite pleased with herself she said, “You’re spreading. It’s a girl.”

My two-word response was not uttered aloud. Instead I jerked away from her and glared. Never tell a pregnant woman she’s spreading.